I saw him today..

He was driving home from work. He looked so good. ALL my feelings rushed back to my heart. I miss him. I want him.

Sweet dreams..

Lastnight I had a dream about him.
He came over and we sat outside to have a smoke and just talk. And he burnt is finger and I kissed it to make it feel better. THEN he had to go. But before he left, he gave me a long hug. He held me. Then he picked up my chin, and kissed me. Just like he did for our first kiss...
It felt to real. I wanted it to be. But then I woke up.
I still want it to be..*sigh* GOODNIGHT WORLD

Before the sleeping pill gets me..

I just have to say a few things...

1. I hate that my puppy cant go visit

2. I hate the guy at the tattoo shop

3. I am glad I kept my cool there

4. Over all I had a good day..

I think I deserve more!

I cook, I clean, and watch the kids on the weekdays AND weekends!! For all that I do, I think I deserve more than $20. She goes without paying for a whole month and all I get is $20.
Yeah, I know that I am sounding selfish. At least I am getting something. But still. This isn't what I wanted to be doing in the first place. My whole summer was ruined by all this. My plan was to get a job. BUT NO. I had to stay and play house maid and nanny. The only reason why I agreed was because she said she'd pay me every week. Now its just $20 once a month. Ah!
Goodnight world!

I wish I could lie..

I wish I could lie and say that I didn't think of him today. But yes, he was on my mind. I haven't talked him in two days. Which is good. Still, I want to text him just to see how he is doing.
We drove by his work today and he wants there. Which I am happy about because I would have thought about him more if I saw his car.
I can't wait to get my tattoo, that way I will always have a reminder to myself. I need it! I'm getting better, but I know that it would really help.

OH DAD!

I don't know why I even try. I know that you are never going to be here. I don't know why I think you will change and someday keep your word to me.
You've tought me not to get my hopes up. Not to believe in anything. You BROKE me! My trust has been given away to nothing.
I will never know how it feels to have a dad. I will never be able to say that I had a hero. I needed you through some of my hardest times in my life.
Somenights I stay up and wonder how you feel about missing my life. Do you even care? How often do you think about me? I'm an adult now, I don't need you for anything anymore. Does that eat you up inside? I feel like your forgotten child. You never come to visit, you never call.
I wish I could have been "daddys little girl" and I wish I could have asked you for money when I just wanted to go shopping. But I never will.
AND after all of the heartach and the dissapointments you put me through..I still can't hate you. I still can't blame YOU.

Today..

Today started off pretty much as suckish as it gets. I was having one of those down in the dumps mornings. So I slept most of it away. Finally when I woke myself up, I told myself that I was going to shower, get dressed, put on make up, and just GO! Which I did.
I texted up my friend and said "what do you want to do?!" and thats her que to come pick me up. We ended up going to a tattoo shop to get a price and a drawing. I gotta save about $30 more! I was hoping to have it by monday, but it isn't going to happen.
After that we went and walked the mall a bit. I had the giggles so I laughed so hard today. It was great!
I almost went ALL day without thinking about him, but that didn't last long! I just had to get my daily dose. So I texted him "how are you" and he sends me back "going to the island to get waisted because they want me too." AH. STUPID STUPID! I am so worried because he has been drinking every weekend. But I cant tell him cause he just doesn't care.
After that whole ordeal, I decided I wanted to be out of the house. We went to walk around walmart. HA. After that I bought a pack of ciggs, had a smoke, and here I am now.
Goodnight world.

Sleepless night

It's one of those nights where I want to text someone so they can just be awake with me. But then I notice the time and remind myself that everyone is alseep..like I should be.
I hate nights like these. Where there are ten million things running through my mind. Yet, I still don't know what they all mean. My eye itches too. AH!
Anyway, there is is alot going threw my mind. Like how the house is a mess. I babysat tonight and there is stuff everywhere. I just don't feel like cleaning it. So that's what I'll be doing tomorrow. I could do it now and spair myself from hearing my mom complain..but I just don't feel like it. I just now got the baby to sleep. I'm so over doing anything else! If she wants it clean, then she can get her hung over butt out of bed tomarrow and clean it herself! I did NOT get paid enough for it. I only got paid for watching the baby. She says she'll pay me next week for my bro and sis, of corse thats what she said LAST weekend. So she owes me $40. I wont tell her that though. I'll accept what she gives me anyway.
I'm going to go before I just ramble on. Goodnight world

"I'll always love you"

How do you tell someone who is in love with you that you are in love with someone else that you will never have?

All the little mind games that are being played on me, are the same games that I'm playing with him. And all it's doing is sending us in a circle. I was with him for two years and lived with him for a year, but my feelings changed and I wanted to break free. So I started to see him.

Well,since things didn't work out between us,"A" wants me back. But I don't want to get back in a relationship with him. Today he came by and said "I will always love you know matter what." And I know it's true because he has always been in love with me. The thing is that..I don't love him anymore.

We are only 18 years old and everyone thought we were married already. That is what kind of made me want to break away. I've even told him to just give me time and space for my feelings can settle because right now, they are so mixed up. He doesn't get the hint. He texts me "why don't you want to get with me?" And I tell him that I'm just not looking for a relationship. (Which is a lie).

I know how he feels. To want someone that doesn't want you back. And it sucks. But right now, there's nothing I can do and be honest with him.

OH..those stupid songs

So you know those songs that have no meaning,and then the next day something happens and you hear the song and you're like "yep,I know how that is"?
Yeah,those songs suck! I hate those songs that remind me of how I'm feeling. I don't need reminders of how he was/is or how it could/should of been.
Sooner or later I'll be able to listen to the radio and not feel so bad about it. As for right now,I'll just turn down the ones that make my heart feel like it's being stabbed again.

Selfish Me..

I know that you can't make a person like you..or even love you,but sometimes I wish I could make him.
He told me that I was almost ''too perfect" to be real and that he also wanted to explore his options. And it sucks when I see his status as "I'm just waiting for someone special to walk through my door" because I want to text him and say I AM HERE!
I know what I have to do,which is delete his number from my phone and have nothing to do with him. But it is really hard. I waited FOREVER to be with him and he only gave me one damn week. And in that one week he came up with "you're almost too perfect to be real."